No one at the Ministry of Finance (MOF) has been willing to confirm that the following are a selection of what are humorously termed "offal-cuts" of the 2002 Budget speech - as presented to Parliament last week by Minister of Finance Trevor Manual. However the Mail & Guardian is now in possession of five crumpled-up sheets of A4 found by a dedicated M&G reader currently living behind the official MOF dustbin. This M&G reader often investigates this dustbin in search of recent copies of this newspaper. The five crumpled sheets were discovered the day before last week's Budget speech.

SHEET NO. 1: ".. and in this regard, Madam Speaker, the government has recognised the need to bring urgent relief to a founding member of the Southern Africa Development Community and will, therefore, be providing the necessary funding to relieve the deteriorating situation in Zimbabwe brought about by the terrible recent drought and which has led to nationwide famine and the total lack of all basic services. This funding will take the form of an interest-free loan of US$7-billion payable directly to the offices of the President of Zimbabwe, the Honourable Robert Mugabe, so that the money may be dispensed as efficiently as possible. (PAUSE FOR RESTRAINED CLAPPING.) Further urgent relief to Mr Mugabe's government in the form of ..." (Remainder of page torn off.)

SHEET NO. 3: ".. in the light of the need for sustainable growth incentives in the ailing SABC bureaucracy, certain extra capitalisation has become necessary. This capitalisation, Madam Speaker, will fund the recruitment of more reliable political infrastructure at all levels of SABC news departments. It is hoped this will enhance the SABC's ability to sharpen public awareness of this government's oft-stated pledge to provide a better life for all. More particularly it will help the SABC inhibit the national dissemination of completely unfounded allegations of government corruption by those dedicated to the overthrow of the democratic ideals all patriotic South Africans hold so dear. (SNEER MEANINGFULLY AT TONY LEON.)"

SHEET NO. 4: "Madam Speaker, let us be the first to admit that South Africa has a thorny problem that we all have to face. I refer, of course, to the so-called 'arms deal' and to the unholy controversy that has been created by an irresponsible media around the imaginative attempts by this government to establish a military presence capable of defending our young democracy against the growing threat of brutal and merciless invasion by those forces determined to destroy all that South Africans love and have for so long struggled to achieve ... and by 'those forces' I don't mean the Australian cricket team. (GIVE BIG VACUOUS GRIN AND ENJOY GALES OF MERRY LAUGHTER.)

"In response to the advice given by international arms acquisition consultants Shaik, Rattel and Steal, we have decided that the arms deal was in need of specific retrospective adjustments. One of these was a reassessment of the role and efficacy of the recently ordered fleet of eight dozen slightly used late-1964 B52 bombers, offered to us on extremely favourable terms by the United States government, along with the 35 Antonov An-225 'Mriya' Extra Heavy Freighters from our valued comrades in Moscow. These orders will therefore remain intact as the non-racial job opportunities created by this purchase are incalculable. The maintenance of these aircraft will employ some 2000 historically disadvantaged aircraft washers and polishers."

SHEET NO. 5: "... the vexed question of HIV/Aids and this government's spirited reponse to it. I am privileged, Madam Speaker, to announce that a further allocation of R3,8-billion has been granted to the Government Communication and Information System so that the often visionary opinions of the Honourable health minister -to include those of her principal health adviser in the presidency (SMILE SMARMILY AT THABO) may be brought to the public's attention by means of a concerted media 'blitz' to include a series of dedicated television commercials, giant fireworks displays, rock concerts with imported stars, pageants, international conferences and other super-spectaculars, double-page advertisements in the Sunday newspapers, sponsored articles in leftist journals like the Financial Mail (PEER ACROSS TO SEE IF NIGEL BRUCE IS STILL AWAKE), Beeld, Southern Cross, Loslyf and others.

"Madam Speaker, this government courageously recognises that the HIV/Aids crisis is upon us and therefore devotes itself to a sensitive, far-sighted and humanitarian ..." (Remainder of page illegible due to vomit stains.)

With acknowledgements to Robert Kirby and Mail & Guardian.