Anyone interested in military matters will be relieved to hear that, though more than half of South Africa's 76 000 soldiers are medically unfit, everything is under control.

Defence Minister Mosiuoa Lekota says: "I remain satisfied that there is nothing we cannot deal with."

The main problem is toothache. A total of 474 soldiers in 1 SA Infantry Battalion, or 77.5 percent, have it, rendering them unfit for service. Many of the army's other 38 000 unfit soldiers also have dental problems, claimed by some insensitive people to have been caused by unprotected sex.

But army officials strenuously deny this. "It's impossible to wear a condom on your teeth," said one.

Fortunately I can now reveal the reasons for the defence minister's optimism. A document sent to me under plain brown-paper cover reports that a dentist is to be given one of the most senior ranks in the defence force, that of lieutenant-general. He is to oversee a brigade of lesser-ranked dentists, familiarly known as "tooth tiffies", who will maintain a new regimen of oral hygiene. Already a slogan has been coined to encourage participation in the programme. It is: "Let a tooth tiffy cure you in a jiffy."

Each morning there will be special tooth inspections. Those whose teeth continue to decay will be given two options. They can either have them all extracted and replaced with dentures (under the strict understanding that these will be removed before going into battle), or they can be treated with nevirapine, courtesy of the Medicines Control Council, who are prepared to make exceptions for the sake of national security.

All sweets will be banned, and while the army continues to march on its stomach, only mushy foods that require no chewing will be provided.

Meanwhile we can only hope that no country invades us until everybody's toothache gets better. The toothache is almost as debilitating as natural causes, which a lot of civilians are also down with.

There is a bit of a problem selecting the 1 500 South African troops who will be sent to the Congo to assist the United Nations in demobilising Rwandan rebel forces. At this very moment the SANDF is being carefully combed for soldiers not suffering from toothache.

Not that there is any lack of volunteers. Quite a few have said they would rather face an enemy than have root canal therapy.

They won't be able to take any tanks or armoured cars with them. Only four of the SANDF's 168 Olifant tanks are operational, and only eight of its 242 Rooikat armoured cars. Forget about any aircraft, too. A member of parliament's portfolio committee on defence said: "The air force usually runs out of aviation fuel every September."

Pilots just make sure they are not in the air at the time.

It's a good month for them all to visit their tooth tiffy.

With acknowledgements to John Scott and Cape Times.