If you can judge people by their friends, then you can judge politicians by the gifts they receive.

Examining the list of Deputy President Jacob Zuma's declared gifts, he obviously isn't a very punctual person. He has received four watches and a clock.

There are some - including arms manufacturing company Denel - who think he can't remember appointments. He got three diaries and two calendars.

Zuma has received bottles of wine, whisky, rum and even, from the Chinese embassy, some tea. According to an inside source, the deputy president likes his drinks Shaiken, not stirred.

With all the allegations of sinister political agendas, the gift of a pen ("value unknown but over R350") by the National Intelligence Agency should have made Zuma a little nervous.

Anyone who has ever watched a James Bond movie knows that spook pens aren't what they seem. It could contain a listening device. It could also be programmed to explode, which would make it a weapon of mass destruction.

Perhaps the pen contains a built-in calculator to teach the deputy president to add up correctly, making it a pen of maths deduction.

In this case, the pen is mightier than the sword, of which the embattled Zuma is a proud owner. The embassy of Algeria gave him - along with dates, wine, a robe and a suitcase - a sword.

But that's not the only traditional weapon he has received. The SABC gave him a knobkerrie, which the public broadcaster boasts is "much better".

Zonderwater Prison gave him a handmade sofa, a leather belt and a handbag. It hasn't been confirmed whether the deputy president expects erstwhile ANC chief whip Tony Yengeni to make him any furniture if his appeal against his four-year jail sentence for defrauding parliament fails.

With all this brouhaha, no one would blame Zuma if he considered leaving the back-stabbing world of politics for the relatively stress-free life of farming. If so, he wouldn't have to start from scratch, thanks to all the livestock he has received. He owns an Nguni bull, three cows and five sheep.

Zuma will just have to hope that the briefcase Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe gave him is big enough to pack the 25 cigars the Cuban embassy kindly donated.

The one gift Zuma probably wishes he had received is a wand from Harry Potter's headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, so that he can wave it and make the controversy he is embroiled in disappear.

With acknowledgements to Jonathan Ancer and The Star.