Dear Moral Person,

Thank you for your enquiry about the Moral Regeneration Movement (MRM). We are most excited about the response to our call to action and very soon hope to establish an entirely new moral order more in keeping with the 21st-century global ideas.

Our movement aims to regenerate and redefine the concept of morality. So many deeds and actions (like honesty and respect) have become so ridiculously quaint as to be rendered almost useless in this age of sado-capitalism and globalisation. Like a dilapidated house in need of renovation or demolition, we aim to redecorate your moral landscape and in so doing hopefully make it much easier for you to get away with a variety of actions and behaviours that, for now, we feel are erroneously regarded as venal and heinous.

You are no doubt aware that South African Deputy President Jacob Zuma is the shining light at the head of our campaign. We are most proud of this and regard his political and business life as perfect examples of the brand of morality we expect from our members.

Our campaign is an international one and our Dep Prez keeps company with a long list of illustrious politicians, businessmen and clergymen from across the globe. Former American President Bill Clinton is one of our esteemed patrons. His insistence that ‘I never slept with that woman' in the face of overwhelming evidence that he did is exactly the kind of mendacity (and tenacity) we applaud and encourage.

Other members are Presidents Tony Blair and George Dubya Bush. It is thanks to the British and American governments that Africa and other developing countries are awash with expensive, sophisticated and lethal weapons while their citizens are blown to bits in the crossfire. The fact also that Britain is the world's second largest arms exporter, after the United States, warms the cockles at the heart of our campaign.

We also applaud Mr Blair and Mr Bush's big con in order to invade Iraq with the excuse that they were searching for weapons of mass destruction that they had sold to old Saddam in the first place. Priceless.

In fact, we're considering nominating Mr Blair and Mr Bush as joint winners of this year's ‘Screw You' trophy.

Other paid-up members are Life President Robert Mugabe, President Eduardo dos Santos of Angola (his country supplies more oil to the US than Kuwait, yet Angolans still starve to death in war-ravaged villages), Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein (still at large), Ariel Sharon - the list really just goes on and on.

The late Mr Hansie Cronje was one of our most esteemed members and his contribution to our campaign is that members will never have to look inwards for the source, cause or manifestation of so-called morally reprehensible behaviour.

Our 24-hour customer care centre will assist you in every way to externalise the problem and blame someone or something else. You will never be held personally responsible for anything from defrauding your medical aid to plagiarism, from receiving millions of rands in kickbacks to feeling up a member of the congregation.

Hansie, bless his soul, was able to demonstrate how effective this defence can be when he fingered the devil during the hearings into match fixing. Of course, when the old Beelzebub excuse wears a bit thin, we have many others you can use. Handy scapegoats include homosexuals (the Catholic church manages to deflect attention from its own sex scandals this way); women's rights (an excuse used by most fundamentalist, patriarchal religions and cultures to justify stoning, rape and murder); oral sex (Deputy President Zuma's personal bugbear); the poor (they are so needy, aren't they?); and lastly, the media.

Colonialism, apartheid, affirmative action, immigrants (legal and illegal), American culture, English cooking, tartrazine and an unhappy childhood are other popular excuses we can offer in your defence.

Our campaign slogan, you may not have heard, is ‘Do as I say, not as I do' and we are thrilled to announce it has found wide support and resonance across the globe. We hope we have cleared up any lingering doubts and urge you, instead of trying to beat us, to join our crusade. It will cost you nothing but your soul.

With acknowledgements to Marianne Thamm and Fairlady.