Publication: Sunday Independent Issued: Date: 2007-06-03 Reporter:

Scorpions Raid Selebi's Office and The Shinola Hits the High-speed Fan

 

Publication 

Sunday Independent

Date

2007-06-03

Web Link

www.sundayindependent.co.za

 

Yes, indeed, dear readers, in the interests of bringing you the latest news without fear, favour or prejudice, I sallied forth at lunchtime on Friday into the strikers' melee in central Johannesburg.

I can therefore tell you from the front line that everyone was perfectly well-behaved and that many participants later partook, as though there were no tomorrow, from steaming platters, on which the burnt flesh of certain dead animals was presented, in the local Wimpy.

I'm not being critical. I also ate lunch - and discussed with various strikepeople the complicated logistics of marching through central Johannesburg and the need to be charming to the local constabulary.

Talking of which, it has been my understanding that the Scorpions (that's the directorate of special operations, or DSO, of the National Prosecuting Authority) and the cops (that's the SA Police Service, or SAPS) were on the same side.

But it would appear that I don't know shit from Shinola, the latter being a brand of wax shoe polish available in the early- to mid-20th century.

Do you know - if you will permit me to digress for a moment or two - about shit and Shinola?

Their immortality in colloquial English (that should be "colloquial American") emanates - I quote from the learned Wikipedia - "from [their] use in the alliterative phrase '[He] don't know shit from Shinola'.

"Implied is that shit and Shinola, though superficially similar, are entirely distinct in the effect they produce when brought into contact with shoes, specifically in regard to the navigational hazard presented by piles of the former substance.

"One who fails to distinguish one from the other is therefore ignorant, or of low acuity."

A local example would be: "My attorney is so ignorant, he doesn't know George Bizos from beeswax, or Wim Trengove from Orange Grove."

To return to the Scorpions and the police: I clearly don't know the difference between faeces and shoe polish because, notwithstanding my belief that the Scorps and the cops batted on the same side, it has become apparent that a Scorpions' team has raided the office of pawky Jackie Selebi, the national police commissioner.

Apparently, the commissioner didn't like that very much and, according to another report, Thabo Mbeki, the headmaster, had to be called in to sort things out.

But none of this stuff, I am glad to tell you, seems to have dented anyone's sense of humour. For example, the learned reporters who wrote the story about the fracas did their duty and asked Mukoni Ratshitanga, Mbeki's spokesperson, whether he was aware of the meeting between his boss, Selebi and the Scorps' chief, Vusi Pikoli.

"I can confirm that no such meeting took place, nor is one contemplated," he said.

What's that you say? You don't get the joke? Sorry, I forget for a moment that you are not of the media. You therefore don't know that Ratshitanga - and, for that matter, all of the president's spokespeople over the past decade or so - are forever "confirming" that such and such did NOT take place, when everyone knows that it did, indeed, take place.

It's a bit like the dog bites man/man bites dog stories. If a dog bites a man, that's trite, but if a man bites a dog, then you're cooking.

And if Ratshitanga were to confirm that something, about which a lowly fourth estater was asking, had actually happened - well, blow me down with a feather, I suppose I'd start preparing for the end of days.

Talking of living in denial, Billy Downer SC, the Scorps' chief legal axeman, went on record earlier this week in the Durban high court as saying that he was working overtime on re-charging Jacob "Zoom-zoom" Zuma, the erstwhile deputy headmaster, with corruption, fraud, racketeering, money-laundering - the whole nine yards.

Well, lo and behold, Panyaza Lesufi, the new spokesman for the National Prosecuting Authority, then issued a white-hot press statement in which he said the newspaper report had been misleading and irresponsible.

Well, okay, Panyaza, go for it, my china. But, while you're doing so, would you please explain just what Billy and the chaps are doing in court with regard to Zoom-zoom? Some of us earnest young taxpayers would love to know.

The second piece of humour to come out of the Selebi/Scorpions fandango was the paragraph that said: "The commissioner said he wouldn't let [the Scorps] take [the material related to their investigation] because he didn't want it to get handed to the media."

After reading that one, I'm still rolling about on the floor convulsed with merriment and my knickers are, as they say, wet through.

What's that you say? You don't see the joke? Sorry, I forgot that you are not of the media. You therefore don't know that there's a Sunday newspaper that is virtually the Selebi family's house journal.

There need only be a slight scuff in the carpet at SAPS HQ and this newspaper sends a full investigative team to Selebi's office - where he tells them everything he won't tell the rest of the media.

Then there's the weekly newspaper - you know how it goes: no names, no pack drill (but you know which one I mean) - that is the house journal of the Scorpions.

I'm told the newspaper in question even has a pigeonhole in the vestibule of Scorpion House from which its investigative team can pick up the important leaks of the week. No wonder Jack didn't want to hand over his old love letters.

And then there's the house journal of the Shaik brothers - us *1.

Oh well, at least we mix with a better class of person than the others *2.

With acknowledgements to Sunday Independent.


I think this nonsense is written by Karen Bliksem, aka Jeremy Gordin.


*1      You said it.


*2      You said it?