What a lotta plot we got — and we haven’t heard the end of the alleged plot to assist the alleged plotters’ plot

Now we get to a plot John le Carré would have been proud of We’ve got lots of plots for sale. Everywhere you turn, you will find a plot.

You want it on Shaiky ground or do you want it in Tokyo?

Do you want it from Mathews Phosa, or do you prefer Jacob Zuma? Do you want it from the National Intelligence Agency, or would you rather go with Eduardo dos Santos?

Maybe you want it from Terror Lekota? If Terror terrifies you, perhaps you want it from Blade Nzimande. Then again, maybe the Blade is too sharp for you ... gosh, I’m breathless at the many plots that I could mention to you.

All these plots started surfacing in 2001 when it was alleged that the three musketeers, in the persons of Mathews Phosa, Tokyo Sexwale and Cyril Ramaphosa, had plotted to oust President Thabo Mbeki. The source for this was Steve Tshwete.

Of course, the three ran to the mountain tops, whence they shouted for all to hear that they had no plot whatsoever. In fact, Sexwale even went to the extent of saying that he was through with politics.

Then, in no particular order, other plots started to surface: there was an NIA plot against Saki Macozoma, whose movements were monitored by those of the cloak-and-dagger profession, although why they plotted against him was never established.

The plot began to thicken when Zuma was fired from his job as the deputy president of the country.

That was the beginning of the long and winding tale of the Zuma plot. His supporters couldn’t understand why the President had fired the man, so they started an interesting, somewhat entertaining, campaign that in simple terms told the nation, or whoever cared to listen, that there was an anti-Zuma, and therefore anti-Zulu, plot being hatched by powerful personages in the Union Buildings.

The plot against Zuma began to fester into a series of subplots that boggled the mind.

When Kangaman appeared in court to face allegations of rape, his supporters were initially in denial that sex had taken place between him and his accuser.

But then when he himself confessed that consensual sexual relations had been facilitated in the privacy of his house one night, his supporters changed their tune and said the woman was a pawn in the plot against their leader.

When Schabir Shaik was arrested for his corrupt conduct, there was a clamour from the Zuma camp to say, “You see, we told you — the system is dealing so harshly with Shaik simply because of his friendship with Zuma.”

And then, not so long ago, we learnt of a plot to assassinate Zuma — although the most cursory investigation showed us that this plot was groundless. A Zuma aide had paid some hobo to say he had been paid to assassinate Zuma. Confused? So am I.

And then Tokyo, who had told us in 2001 that he was out of politics for good, came back into the picture, a player, yet again, in another plot.

This time around he was said to have contacted Zuma to help him elbow (surprise, surprise) Cyril Ramaphosa out of the ANC’s presidential race. Zuma was reported to have been outraged by Sexwale’s suggestion.

Of course, Sexwale denied the existence of the alleged plot against his former comrade in the alleged plot against Mbeki.

Numerous times, Sexwale told the nation that he had no ambitions to be president of this country. But then again — gwiqiqi, as we say in Zulu — he joined the presidential race in a big way.

And then there was the smaller matter of him giving his friends and comrades the famous Batho Bonke shares worth millions.

It was perhaps coincidental that the recipients of his largesse were strategically placed individuals like judges, journalists and public commentators.

It was perhaps coincidental that the largesse was extended at a time when the presidential race began in earnest. Do I smell a plot here?

And now we get to the big plot, a plot of which John le Carré would have been proud.

The Sunday Times revealed last week that there is a document which purports to have been compiled by our respectable spies alleging that, in 2005, Angolan President Eduardo dos Santos appointed his spy boss, General Fernado Miala, to identify “ways in which Angola could provide support to ... Zuma, and further his presidential aspirations”.

The document further revealed that, during visits to Libya in late 2005, Zuma met Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, or Brother Leader’s external intelligence chief Musa Kusa (why does this name sound so Zulu?) and allegedly received 5-million. “The purpose of this donation was allegedly ... in support of Zuma’s presidential campaign,” the document says.

Blade Nzimande’s name was mentioned in connection with the plot.

Of course, all of the alleged players have dismissed the idea of a plot and have suggested that the insinuations of a plot emanate from the Union Buildings. Get it?

But, hey, what’s a democracy without a plot?

With acknowledgements to The Times.