Publication: Cape Argus Issued: Date: 2007-11-13 Reporter: Chloe Cartwright

Of Little Green Men and A Golden Opportunity

 

Publication 

Cape Argus
Date

2007-11-13
Reporter Chloe Cartwright

Web Link

www.capeargus.co.za

 

To: Rooiborrelsbos ANC
Date: November 13, 10.46am
From: Chloe Cartwright

I am most flattered and, I must confess, taken aback that you have nominated me to become president of the ANC.

And of course I remember coming to give that Royco cooking demonstration and how the whole town all six of you came to watch, and ended up forcing me to down half a papsak and a pint of goat's blood while dancing to Black Cars Look Better In The Shade.

You were impressed that I knew all the lyrics (too many nights squandered at the Keg and Gerbil while at tech in PE) and that I was wearing green and black leggings with a gold sundress.

I have never belonged to a party, unless you count the numerous evenings I have spent clinging on to various ethnic drapes at convention centre bashes, trying to keep myself erect after too many plates of chicken wings and too many tumblers of warm wine.

However, while I am flattered at the nomination, I must point out why I might decline the honour.

Unlike the current president, I think criminals are very bad people indeed and should be eaten alive by blunt-toothed donkeys and sent to rot in the desert.

I know nothing about how to carry out an arms deal or solicit bribes. The closest I have been to an arms deal was when I ended up out on a limb during an impromptu wrestling match at Bob's Bar with a lady man from Zanzibar.

The only corruption I have participated in was when I forced my friend Philippe to hand over a Chanel dress I had been coveting, with the aid of a threatening butter knife and the promise of a centrespread of Johnny Depp.

Post coitus I like to bath and not shower.

Unlike our current government, I do not believe beetroot, garlic and potato hold any magical healing powers but are acceptable as a side order, tossed in balsamic vinegar and served with seared tuna or pork loin.

I have aesthetics and fear I would never be able to work in a government building constructed from nothing but concrete and a hundred pockets of cannas.

I am sorry if this disappoints you but I am sure you will find someone else to nominate. I believe Mr Zuma is going cheap.

Yours faithfully


Chloe Cartwright

PS: Should I change my mind, where exactly is Polokwane and will my Hummer handle the roads? If not, could your party secure me a new SUV?

 

To: Rooiborrelsbos ANC
Date: November 13, 12.05pm
From: Chloe Cartwright

Thank you for your prompt reply, and yes, the Porsche Cayenne has helped me change my mind. And what an opportunity to learn the ropes, as I suppose this could be classified as a bribe and will therefore make me a more worthy candidate.

Please send me directions to Polokwane and a detailed dress code description.

Viva air conditioning, ABS brakes, in-car DVD player and dashboard GPS, Viva!

With acknowledgement to Chloe Cartwright and Cape Argus.


Who is Chloe Cartwright ?

She needs to (mud-)wrestle with Karen Bliksem and/or Jeremy Gordin.