Publication: The Witness
Issued:
Date: 2007-12-12
Reporter: Ben Travato
| Publication |
The Witness
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| Date |
2007-12-12
|
|
Reporter
|
Ben Travato
|
|
Web Link
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www.witness.co.za
|
Dear Jacob Zuma,
I was reading my Bible on Sunday afternoon while taking a break from drinking
heavily and abusing the wife when I came across a story involving your namesake.
The similarities were startling.
Jacob was the third biblical patriarch. You are likely to be the third
democratically elected president.
Neither of you went to school.
Jacob had 12 sons with several wives and concubines. You're not telling how many
children you have, but I'm willing to bet that your strike
rate *1 would make the other Jacob look impotent.
Jacob was a gentle man and so, I believe, are you. That business with the
machine gun is simply something you have to do to appease the bloodlust of the
voters.
One day, Jacob's brother Esau returned from the field faint from a lack of food.
Seeing an opportunity, Jacob offered to sell Esau some lentil soup in exchange
for the birthright which belonged to Esau as the older brother.
One day, you returned from the office faint from a lack of money. Seeing an
opportunity, you (allegedly) met with Alain Thetard who (allegedly) offered you
R500 000 a year in exchange for protection against a probe
into arms deal irregularities *2.
Jacob's last 17 years were spent in Egypt. Your last 17 years will be spent in
the Union Buildings. Or maybe Westville Prison.
Jacob died at the age of 147. It might be best for all concerned if this
is where the similarities between you and your biblical counterpart come to an
end.
I must congratulate you on getting the ANC Women's League to come around to our
way of thinking. You have done a magnificent job of getting so-called women's
issues off the national agenda and back into the bedroom where they belong.
You, Jacob, are a man of the people. Do you mind if I call you Jacob? Of course
you don't. You are such a grassroots type of fellow that you would probably
object to the formality. Jake it is, then.
Jake for president. It has a nice ring to it. And why not? You have demonstrated
that you possess what it takes to lead this fine country. For a start, most men
are too afraid to have unprotected sex with an HIV-positive woman. But not you,
Jake. You showed the world that real men don't discriminate. You showed us that
real men treat all women equally. Your disease is my disease. Or, as the Spanish
say, su enfermedad es mi enfermedad.
You, more than most, have a firm grasp *2 of the
axiom that powerful men have powerful libidos. And you know all too well that
the one is meaningless unless used in conjunction with the other. Bill Clinton
understood this. So did the Kennedys. Tony Blair, on the other hand, was
clueless. This is why his foreign policy was generally a limp, flaccid affair.
You have paid your dues, Jake. You have paid your R12 a year to be a member of
the ANC. And you are nothing if not an upstanding member. Sure, there were tough
years in which R12 was not always easy to come by. But those were also the good
times times when you knew you could make a call without worrying about whether
your telephone records were going to be subpoenaed by the Scorpions. A time when
you could ring up an old buddy in Durban and say: "Hey old buddy, you wouldn't
have a million or two to spare, would you?" And your old buddy would say: "Sure
thing, Jake. But whatever you do, please don't use your
position as deputy president to secure me an arms procurement contract."
Everyone has to borrow money at some point in their lives. I've borrowed money
in the past. Perhaps not on the same scale as you, Jake. After all, R40 for a
bottle of Klipdrift doesn't really compare.
But once again the gods of good fortune smiled on you. The man you borrowed from
is spending 15 years in jail. I have to repay my debts or risk getting my legs
broken.
Mbeki is clearly jealous of your ability to sing and
dance, often at the same time. You stand up in front of thousands of
people and sing revolutionary songs about your machine gun. Mbeki stands in the
shower and makes up songs about his trip to the World Economic Forum.
You have a pretty Indian girl as an advisor *3.
Mbeki has Essop Pahad.
Your middle name is Gedleyihlekisa. Thabo's is Mvuyelwa, a full six letters
shorter than yours.
You are 100% Zulu. Thabo is 100% Xhosa. I am 60% Dutch, 20% British, five
percent Scottish and 15% street.
A last word of advice. Don't trust Winnie Madikizela-Mandela. She says she is
trying to get you and Mbeki to play nicely, but I am convinced that her eyes are
on the prize. You can't trust a woman you're not sleeping with. If I were you, I
would move quickly on this.
Run, Jake, run, 2009 is your year. I'll be in a bar
watching your inauguration with pride, even it does happen to be
a bar near my new home in Wagga Wagga *4
Yours truly,
Ben Trovato
(shadow minister of information)
With acknowledgements to Ben Trovato and The Witness.
*1 Apparently around two dozen.
*2 This is akin to treason.
But why, oh why, oh why did Thomson-CSF need this protection?
This is a question that not only has never been asked in public circles, but one
which has been actively avoided like the rinderpest.
Me thinks that Thomson-CSF needed protection from the deals it made with Thabo
Mbeki and probably with Chippy Shaik.
Me thinks that Thomson-CSF's price for the Corvette Combat Suite was inflated by
R299 million and that a similar sum was given by them to influencing people in
the government and the ruling political party to win the contract.
Me thinks that the R1 million that Thomson-CSF offered to Zuma for his
protection is just a sniff in comparison to what that offered for the main deal.
That is one of the reasons why Zuma rejected Bulelani Ngcuka's deal to stand
down as potential president in exchange for abandonment of prosecution.
The reality is that the disproportion of respective financial rewards for
misconduct relates inversely to the power and force of the testicular squeeze.
*2 The relevant axiom is that powerful men have a firm grasp
of their opponents' testicles.
*3 Zuma also has a bald-headed Indian guy as an advisor.
They seem to have done pretty well so far in getting their man to Polokwane
2007.
*4 And off to Oz they'll go.