With the growing number of civil servants on what President Thabo Mbeki euphemistically calls "ex-tended leave", we should stage some sort of event to recognise those who have excelled in the fields of fraud, corruption, racketeering and so on. It could be loosely based on the Oscars. Or the Golden Globes. The idea came to me after it was reported that Jackie Selebi became the fourth senior government official to be given the chop by Mbeki.

Nominations for the 1st annual Golden Chop Awards are pouring in. Right now, Jackie Selebi is a hot favourite.

Selebi will be remembered for his shockingly realistic portrayal of SA police chief Jackie Selebi in the highly acclaimed drama, Schnaai the Beloved Country.

Few among us will ever forget the sight of Selebi playing Commissioner Selebi, resplendent in his blue uniform, hand squarely on his heart, proudly reciting the SAPS Code of Conduct.

I would like to share with you, if I may, my favourite line from that memorable performance: "I undertake to work actively towards preventing any form of corruption and to bring the perpetrators thereof to justice."

Later, Selebi's character breaks away from the script and delivers one of the most poignant ad-libs ever heard: "Let us stand together. Let us take hands. This is our country - we will not allow any criminal to take control of it."

That was seven years ago, almost to the day, and Selebi's tour de force still leaves me gasping with disbelief. Mark my words. The smart money is on Selebi to win this year's Golden Chop for Best Actor.

Industry insiders report that Selebi is slated to appear later this year in the legal drama, Gun with the Wind. Co-starring Glenn Agliotti as The Dealer, Clint Nassif as The Canary and Brett Kebble as The Dead Guy, this complex production is likely to take months to wrap up.

Meanwhile, opening at the Pietermartizburg High Court in August is a production bound to capture the imagination of all South Africans.

Billed as a musical thriller, The French Connection stars Jacob Zuma as The Defendant and Pierre Moynot as The Representative.

The cast includes 218 minor characters, some of them experienced thespians in their own right.

Zuma plays a simple Zulu man, Jacob Zuma, who rises to high political office only to be led astray by The Indian, an unscrupulous businessman played by seasoned method actor Schabir Shaik.

After Zuma is fired by The President, played by Thabo Mbeki in his first major role outside the depressing sitcom, Plato's Republic, he taps into an angry vein of popular discontent and stages a breathtaking comeback.

But there's a terrible twist in this tale. A powerful group of vigilantes known as the Scorpions sets out to destroy Zuma. Drawing on the tactical skills he acquired as a young herd boy, Zuma fights back with every weapon at his disposal.

More complicated than The Matrix, scarier than Night of the Living Dead, funnier than Friends, The French Connection will make you laugh, it will make you cry, it will make you wish you lived somewhere else.

Jackie Selebi and Jacob Zuma are two of the country's most popular entertainers. Let's take a look at some of the highlights of their colourful careers.

Before being hired to play the commissioner of police, Jackie Selebi was employed by the Department of Foreign Affairs. It was as South Africa's ambassador to the UN in Geneva that he learnt the subtle art of diplomacy.

That he moved in such refined circles and engaged with some of the world's sharpest minds was evident during a conversation he had with Sergeant Jeanette Mothiba hours before taking up his new post, when he walked into her charge office and demanded a vehicle and a driver.

The official Independent Complaints Directorate records reflect:

"It is alleged that the suspect (Selebi), during the course of a conversation at the Brooklyn Police Station charge office on 30 December 1999, called the complainant a 'bladie voken chimpanzee' and told her to 'shut up her mouth'."

After investigating Mothiba's complaint, the ICD decided that the insult was not sufficiently serious to warrant prosecution. ICD executive director Neville Melville put his finger on it:

"Unlike 'baboon', chimpanzee is not commonly used as an insult. The definition in the Collins Concise Dictionary and Thesaurus, 'an intelligent small black ape of central W-Africa', does not really assist."

Then, a month later, Selebi was charged with intimidation after threatening to fire a sergeant who was involved in some kind of agricultural dispute with his uncle.

In an interview at the time, Selebi said: "These allegations are too difficult to counter with the truth …"

With such a watertight defence, it was little wonder that the case fell apart. Selebi's best lines:

"These hands are clean."

"I will never be arrested."

"As president of Interpol, I am ready to serve all members of the international police community in every area of crime-fighting."

"I am stepping down in the best interests of Interpol and out of respect for the global law enforcement community."

Unlike Selebi, Jacob Zuma is … on second thoughts, I really can't be bothered. Let's cut straight to his best lines:

"I don't feel comfortable if I'm not honest."

"I start from basic Christian principles."

"Same sex marriage is a disgrace to the nation and to God."

"I am not in a race to become president of the country."

"It (a shower) … would minimise the risk of contracting the disease."

"Bring me my machine gun."

With acknowledgements to Ben Trovato and Cape Times.