A private consultation with Schabir Shaik, former banker to the not-so-rich and powerful.

Good morning, prisoner #73847506.

Please. Call me Mr Shaik.

How are we feeling today, Mr Shaik?

There is no we. There is only me. And I feel terrible. As you know, I am suffering from ... give me a moment while I go through this medical dictionary of non-fatal illnesses which manifest symptoms suggesting that death is imminent ...

I think you will probably find that ...

Ah, here it is. Hypertension. A condition caused when a patient's blood pressure spirals out of control after learning that he has been sentenced to 15 years in prison.

Here, have an aspirin.

Thank you. I'm feeling better already.

Are you comfortable in here? Getting everything you need?

Could be worse. I've never liked the smell of hospitals, though. Makes me think of sick people. They should open some windows. They should unchain me, remove the police guard, then open some windows. And all the doors. And then let Mo come and pick me up.

How about the food? Any complaints?

Too damn right. Last night I ordered the spiced balsamic duck with plums and couscous and a red wine sauce only to discover that the sauce had been made from the 2002 Paso Robles Esprit de Beaucastel!

Everyone knows that balsamic duck is inedible with a sauce made from anything other than the 2001 Columbia Valley Merlot. I may have to switch to another hospital if the service doesn't improve.

There are those beyond these lilac walls who suggest you are malingering in order to avoid a jail cell. How do you ...?

Malingering? I am outraged! Listen to this ... koff koff. Is that not the sound of a very sick man?

No doubt about it. But if your condition improves, will you be able to deal with a prison cell?

Prison is for criminals. I am a humanitarian. I am in hospital because I tried to procure arms to protect our defenceless women and children. And because those French imbéciles took notes.

What lessons have you learnt from this experience?

Well, obviously I have learnt enough be able to practice as a GP. But I think next year I will start specialising. I have always had an interest in the workings of the brain, so don't be surprised if you pick up the papers in 2021 and read about Dr Shaik, the highly respected neurosurgeon.

Are you delusional?

Apparently, yes. You do not even exist and yet here I am having a conversation with you.

Hallucinations?

You don't exist.

With acknowledgements to Ben Trovato and Sunday Times.