ANC leaders are united in their determination that Jacob Zuma will remain their candidate for president of South Africa “no matter what happens”.

ANC Women’s League president Angie Motshekga said that last week’s Appeal Court ruling, effectively putting Zuma back on trial for corruption, was “like a mosquito bite on the bottom of a charging white rhino. No, hang on. Make that a charging black rhino.”

She said the anti-revolutionary forces would “fail in their right-wing reactionary attempts to dehorn our rhino”.

“These imperial puppets of the West should know that even a hornless rhino can cause tremendous damage, er, can cause tremendous good among those who most, no, least deserve it the most. What I mean is …”

ANC Youth League leader Julius Malema agreed that nothing could stop Zuma from becoming president. “And when I say nothing, I mean nothing. Which is not to say that when I say something, the meaning is nothing. Stop trying to twist my words.”

Malema said Zuma would “definitely 150% be our candidate”.

“Facts are facts. Even if comrade leader is hit by a meteorite tomorrow while helping the poor, he will still be president.”

Free State ANC chairman Ace Magashule was even more vehement in his support for Zuma’s candidacy. “Forget meteorites,” he said. “Instead, picture brother leader comrade Msholozi getting struck by lightning, hit by a train and eaten by a lion. The next time you see him, he will be taking the oath of office,” said Magashule.

ANC spokesman Carl Niehaus said nothing could influence the party’s decision to have Zuma as the country’s next head of state.

“Never mind meteorites, lightning, trains and lions. These are nothing. Mere surface wounds. Scratches, if you like. Even if our glorious saviour Jesus, I beg your pardon, Jacob Zuma, confessed to killing John F Kennedy, Dian Fossey and the entire crew of the Mary Celeste, the ANC would not consider another candidate.”

Winnie Madikizela-Mandela supported the party’s position. “Forget meteorites, lightning, trains, lions, JFK, Dian Fossey and those boat people. If Jacob Zuma had to go for a swim at Amanzimtoti tomorrow and get bitten in half by one of those Great White supremacist sharks *1, we would put him back together and he would still be our candidate for the top job.”

A statement issued by the Congress of South African Trade Union’s general-secretary Zwelinzima Vavi confirmed that Zuma would be president “irrespective of the total destruction of Earth”.

“Global warming might be serious, but we are more serious. If the ozone layer had to disappear and every man, woman and child were instantly incinerated, Jacob Zuma would remain our candidate,” said Vavi.

South African Communist Party leader Blade Nzimande, speaking via satellite phone from an undisclosed location, said that “even if the entire universe were suddenly sucked into a black hole *2”, Zuma would still be president.

Meanwhile, the real president, President Kgalema Motlanthe, said while he supported the idea of Jacob Zuma taking his job and thereby rendering him unemployed, he would be prepared to accept the nomination if something “really terrible” happened to Zuma. “If aliens had to abduct him, I would be prepared to step into the breach,” he said. Malema was quick to distance the youth league from Motlanthe’s comments.

“Even if comrade JZ were forced to take up residence on a planet in another galaxy, he would remain our presidential candidate,” said Malema. “He could commute to the office.”

With acknowledgements to Ben Trovato and Sunday Times.