UP TO OLD TRICKS: A tot of tequila, one cube of beetroot, a large pinch of salt ­ and voila!

The trough is overflowing *1 and snouts are a-quiver *2. Soon, the air shall be rent asunder with cries of great joy. But so, too, will there be much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Some will wear Armani and Eau d’Hadrien, others sackcloth and ashes.

My Sicilian godfather calls it tempo di rimborso. Out here, we call it payback time. Here, then, are my predictions:

Minister Of Finance: Tokyo Sexwale

Impressive in his earlier role as Donald Trump, Sexwale understands money more than most. He must staff his ministry with keen young capitalists and put them through a gruelling series of tasks, one of which will be to squeeze as much money as possible out of the general population without them noticing enough to rise up and overthrow the government. His catch phrase will be: “You’re fired.” Except when he is dealing with friends and family, in which case it will be: “You’re hired.”

Deputy Minister: Schabir Shaik

Although he only has an estimated 40 years left to live, Shaik will be an asset to the treasury. He is likely to implement innovative programmes such as getting the South African Revenue Service t o lend money to impoverished taxpayers and then boosting state coffers by charging 500% interest on individual loans. Defaulters will have their legs broken by well-known Durban debt collectors *3 Shaik, Shaik & Shaik Inc.

Minister Of Safety and Security: Marthinus Van Schalkwyk

To hear some people tell it, crime during the apartheid era was nothing more serious than littering and jaywalking. Even though he has been declared an honorary darkie, Van Schalkwyk has just enough Afrikaner left in him to strike terror into the hearts of criminals. The ministry’s new emblem will feature a Boerboel with a napalm bomb strapped to its back and the severed leg of a housebreaker clamped between its jaws.

Deputy Minister: Eugene Terre Blanche

Although getting on in years, South Africa’s favourite white supremacist will boost police morale with his regular morning call to arms. One of his first acts in office will be to allow members of the equestrian unit to take their horses home with them.

Minister Of Health: Dr Wouter Basson

One of the country’s top surgeons, Basson has considerable experience in cardiology, the production of mandrax and the developing and testing of chemical and biological warfare agents on guinea pigs, rats and captured Swapo guerrillas. Basson’s training will provide an effective means of population control and, at the same time, discourage his cabinet colleagues from ever complaining about chest pains.

Deputy Minister: Manto Tshabalala-Msimang

The only other medical practitioner in the country whose actions cost more lives than they saved. She knows her way around the Union Buildings and a well-stocked bar.

Minister Of Justice and Constitutional Development: Justice John Hlophe

Ideally suited for the post on the grounds that he is. .. well, a Zulu, Hlophe is highly regarded for having single-handedly reduced the judiciary to the level of a practical joke. His interest in constitutional development is evidenced by his tireless efforts to see our Constitutional Court judges behind bars, and he is considered a role model for law students who are interested in earning R1-million a year for staying at home and watching Judge Judy reruns.

Deputy Minister: Justice Nkola Motata

Widely respected for his work in developing the legal principle of justicia delayo, Motata will, in June, celebrate the 547th day of avoiding judgment in his drunk-driving trial.

Minister Of Education: Julius Malema

With transformation as his watchword, this bright young idiot savant has what it takes to transform education from a system in which people are taught neocolonial skills, such as reading and writing, to one where people learn really important stuff ­ like how to get blood out of your Dolce & Gabbana shirt after a hard day of crushing counter-revolutionaries.

Deputy Minister: Buti Manamela

The head of the Young Communist League brings his unique brand of leadership to the department. Older than his boss, he will expect Malema to accede to his demand that schools be replaced by re-education camps based on the Ho Chi Minh model. Civil servants who were hired during the Mbeki era will be rounded up and sent to camps to learn about the ways of the new government. Once rehabilitated, the bureaucrats will be tagged and released back into society.

Minister Of Communications: Jessie Duarte

A consummate professional who understands that the best way to communicate is to shout hysterically and not give the other person a chance to talk. Her inability to know when to shut up led the apartheid government to slap her with a gagging order in the ’80s. One of her first acts will be to dismantle the elitist, classist organisation Telkom and replace it with carrier pigeons and more shouting.

Deputy Minister:

This position is suitable for a graduate from St Vincent’s School for the Deaf.

Minister Of Land Reform and Agriculture: Gareth Prince

This promising young candidate attorney, banned from practising law because he smokes weed, will be the first Rastafarian to serve in the cabinet. Once in office, he will convert the impoverished Eastern Cape into the planet’s biggest marijuana plantation and use some of the estimated R350-billion in export revenues to turn it into one of the most desired pieces of real estate in the world.

Deputy Minister: Pam Golding

The high priestess of the property underworld will make sure everyone gets a magnificent plot with unobstructed sea views. For a small commission.

Minister Of Arts and Culture: Mzwakhe Mbuli

South Africa’s poet laureate, Mbuli has the skills to turn this ministry into one of the most powerful in the government. Perpetually short of cash , the department will benefit immensely from Mbuli’s talent for convincing a generally unco-operative banking sector to hand over large sums of money. A breath of fresh air after the stifling intellectualism of Pallo Jordan, Mbuli is likely to establish a library in his name at his alma mater, Leeuwkop Maximum Security Prison. One of his first acts will be to outlaw poetry that rhymes.

Deputy Minister: Khanyi Mbau

The self-proclaimed Paris Hilton of South Africa will liven things up considerably. She owns 600 pairs of shoes and seven cars and her favourite TV show is the thought-provoking series, Girls At The Playboy Mansion. In an interview, she said the scariest thing she had ever done was spend R50000 on hair extensions from Brazil. It is this sort of courage that has been sorely lacking in the department.

Minister Of Sport and Recreation: Herschelle Gibbs

This fine young cricketer deserves to lay down his bat, pour himself a Scotch, roll a spliff, put his feet up and tell other people what to do, for a change. He will become the country’s first sports minister capable of running 100m without going into cardiac arrest.

Deputy Minister: Oscar Pistorius

This courageous athlete has a head-start on his colleagues in that he could come to work legless every day and get away with it.

Minister Of Witchcraft and Pole Dancing: Ben Trovato

Zuma also intends creating several new ministries, one of which is mine. My mission will be to modernise traditional healing, divination and counselling. No more goat gall bladders, lizard tongues and beds on bricks. Fortunes will be told by analysing the stock market, not chicken entrails. Tequila will replace lion fat as the muti that instils courage and spells will be cast using supernatural ingredients such as garlic and beetroot, instead of human body parts. Witches will be employed by the department and shall no longer be burnt alive, although the choice will remain theirs. Pole dancing will be closely monitored *4.

With acknowledgements to Ben Trovato and Sunday Times.